I am tired of being quiet {and I have a lot to say}

We have been on vacation for two weeks now and between all of our history absorbing, coffee drinking, marathon walking, children fighting or hotel hopping…I have had time to think.

I have written many times that I am a doer and this often leads to me not hearing.

A child can stand at my side and tap my shoulder until I hear but often the Lord’s voice is quiet and still.

When I take walks or make art…I hear the Lord.

When I slow down…I hear the Lord.

When I am still.

It is quiet but I hear it just the same.

Over and over on this trip I was noticing how much I miss writing my thoughts and personal life on the blog.

I had been telling myself that I had been …but I knew that was a lie.

I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed before now.

I guess I had noticed it in little things and how I would think about things to write and then not follow through.

Writing my thoughts and feelings openly has been one of my biggest joys about writing a blog.

I am open and hopefully transparent in my e-courses but I have been holding back here.

I am sorry for that.

I thought I was just being quiet in one area of my life but I now see that by not writing about one part…I was unknowingly shutting the rest down too.

Over two years ago we discovered that my father had been having a long term affair with his secretary.

Over the past two years my parents have been in the midst of a long divorce process and I have only written about the pain my family has been going through on two occasions.

Because I publicly wrote something about the pain I was feeling I have been threatened to be deposed for trial, threatened of being sued, a condemning letter sent to me, have had lies spread about me and have caused many people I love to have to bear the brunt of the words I wrote.

At times I have wished I had never written anything and other times I was so proud of myself for not just swallowing the actions and pretending they didn’t happen like so many times growing up.

It became obvious to me that two people in this world were reading my blog not because of me, my family, my home, my shop or my art…they were reading regularly to see if I would write anything else about …them.

So I stopped being open.

Funny how I can have thousands read my words that I don’t personally know and it has never made me blink twice.

Knowing that these two individuals were reading and watching felt personal.

Awkward.

Exposed.

Vulnerable.

Almost disgusting.

I guess it was almost like I not only didn’t want them to know my personal feelings about them…I didn’t want them to know my personal feelings about anything.

So I stopped being vulnerable for all of you.

So tonight I want to make you a promise (and I hope you will hold me to it).

I want to shed the past two years and the pain that it has caused my family on so many levels.

I want to write freely.

I want to write boldly.

I want to write about what I find beautiful.

I want to write things that are thought provoking.

I just want to be real.

I don’t want to only be real in person, when I teach or in my online courses.

I want to be real here.

So, I hope you will accept my apology and also hold me to a higher standard.

We have been there together before and I want to find my way back.

I am tired of being quiet and if you have ever met me in person you know…I have a lot to say:-)

Thanks for listening.

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Comments

  1. Brandie

    I adore this post Jeanne. I just wrote about the same thing on mine last week after spending some time on my old blog. I miss that transparency and the deeper connections that can be made through that. I love your heart and what you share whether your sharing everything or just some things. I think you are very real but I completely know where you are coming from. I for one will always be here willing to listen?

  2. marci

    I love you so much sweet friend. You are brave, brave, brave and wise. And I love that you have a lot to say…you said things to me that helped change my life this summer and it’s brought much peace. I hope being able to be open will do that for you. Talk loud and proud!!!

  3. Peggy

    Wow! I think you just wrote part of my story… of my need to be transparent, to share, to be open once again, to tear the walls down that I’ve been so carefully erecting… to protect my heart, my “world”, and so much more. Jeanne, I want to tell you that I admire you, in fact oftentimes I stand back in awe… you have such a lovely heart, a caring soul, and well, I don’t know… such a love! Whether you realize it or not it is so evident… in all that you do! Please know that no. matter. what. you have a friend here who cares… and will be here for you and who will continue to “listen.” what you may not realize is you push me… well, more like inspire me… to look in the mirror and see myself as my husband sees me, as my friends see me & know me. So thank you! love you girl!

  4. Joy Fea

    I have never been on your blog before and just followed a link here. I don’t know you at all but all I can say is GOOD FOR YOU!! This is why I read peoples’ blogs to learn, to grow, to connect, to understand, and to not feel alone in my journey! So keep it up!

  5. Liane Townsend

    I love you for who you are, your openness and bravery to share your love so transparently from your soul. You are responsible for your needs being met and no one can do that for you. Please continue to listen to your heart and allow it to guide you wherever you need to go… Sending you wishes for much love, healing, acceptance, freedom, joy and peace. xo

  6. Maureen

    I appreciate your candor and your desire to be real. The more I progress through this life, the more I find that people want the real thing, and they soak up words of those being real like a dry sponge. When I started my blog, it was this neutral safe non personal zone for me to write a bit. I’m not a prolific writer but the more I do this blogging thing, and the more real and open I allow myself to be, the more my words are resonating with others and we’re ALL growing and people are responding with their own words and sometimes with tears as the words they’re reading hit a mark that makes them want to respond to something bigger than me. Or Someone. I have no idea why God has led me to write a silly little blog, but it is becoming something that I HAVE to do and if it’s only ever for me, I’m growing because of it.

    So, share what you need to. I, for one, will read each post and my heart will be open to see what God is doing in your world.

  7. Barbara Ford

    I want to encourage you to continue to live out the decision you have just made about being open. I have also had to make a similar decision, not to live any portion of my life differently than my real self simply because a small number of people (one or two, actually) want me to be miserable (their actions a result of their own misery). Continue to think about the many, many people who benefit from your experiences and your willingness to be real. Refuse to let the few (the very few) take away more of your happiness. Thank you for your testimony and your willingness to share God’s love with your readers.

  8. Jennifer

    Such a touching and heartfelt post, Jeanne…you struck a chord in my own heart as I read this. I most definitely hold back on my blog and am somewhat guarded with what I share with my readers–but I do this for different reasons than yours. I have been feeling for a while I need to write more from my heart–to be more transparent, so I just want to thank you for sharing your thoughts on this–it has inspired me to work on this.

    Hugs and prayers to you and your sweet family as you continue to heal from this difficult trial. It sounds as if the Lord has been (and continues) to watch over you and your loved ones. It never ceases to amaze me how our trials in this life strengthen us in ways we didn’t realize possible and ultimately allow us to draw closer to our Heavenly Father.

    many blessings!

  9. Jen

    Jeanne, I have been reading your blog and admiring you for the past couple of years, and one of the many things I absolutely adore about you is how real you are! Thank you for this! xo Jen

  10. tracie cichoracki

    jeanne, i love your blog and your heart, your bravery!
    i closed my blog because of a family member. i could no longer give them access to my life through blogging. i did it with a heavy heart and a lot of thought.
    for me to continue to write with transparency i know would have put me into a legal twist, to continue to write but not from my heart felt unauthentic. so i stopped and i miss it.
    so happy you can get back to being you! truly! xx

  11. Sheila

    Wow. Thank you. Ditto. (Well, lots of dittos). I quit writing the blog I adored for several years for much the same reason(s) 3 years ago this month. I’m tired of shutting up & pretending everyone is playing nice… playing by the rules, when they really aren’t. I’m not going to be the “nice”(read compliant), quiet little soldier who holds her breath waiting for the “unpleasantries” to subside again, because I forgot… that can make a little kid pass out)! Wow. Too bad I didn’t wait one more week to read your post, & quit swallowing a mess I had nothing to do with making… Ok, scout’s honor. Here I go, but it’s not going to be pretty.

  12. Glenda

    I never comment, but how could I read that post and not say thank you. Beautifully written, heartfelt, and encouraging. Thank you….

  13. Toni

    Thank you…you words are wonderfully freeing to all of us…We need to forgive all those that have hurt us just as you talk about in your class….and move on with a open heart! I love the way you put yourself out there….Thank you! You are a encourager for all of us! Cant wait to see what is next…Blessings Toni

  14. Missy

    You have touched on one of the reasons I haven’t started blogging – I am a very private person and afraid to “be out there.” I would want to just be me – and I have grown very guarded trying to avoid a controlling person from my childhood.
    Oddly enough, I think that is one of the reasons when I found your blog/shop/classes, that I was so drawn to be here – you are a very authentic person; a friend at the kitchen table. There were others like that too – but then their heart stopped sharing, and their writing became about their product, or about shout-outs, or whatever – but they stopped being the friend sharing coffee at the kitchen table.
    Thanks for reminding us to remember to be who the Lord created us to be and sharing that with others – no matter who that may be.

  15. Marisa Stewart

    I have not been following your blog for that long so I don’t know your troubles but I am here now and I’d like to encourage you to be yourself and not hide from the truth and your feelings. Why is it hurtful people never seem to hold back their cruelties , yet the good, thoughtful persons have to tone down their rhetoric? Let it out and the heck with the rest. I’d like to get to know the real you and be youre friend. Can we have too many of them? NEVER!! I have found that the best bloggers – the ones that I am following – think of their families, are grateful for every blessing, and are super kind to their friends and followers. We get one chance at life – I don’t think the people that are being cruel to you and your loved ones will be remembered with kindness. Keep true to yourself and we will follow your example. Great post!!!!

  16. Di@Cottage-wishes

    Oh Jeanne you are the realest (not a word but it shouts who you are) person, sharing, caring and awesome. Thank you for telling us all about your feelings. I teeter on the edge of sharing me. I am hoping I can share my thoughts, fears and history to let others know about me. Di

  17. The Domestic Fringe

    It’s so hard to write freely when we know we’re being watched. I had an experience where some people in our church were reading to see if I ever wrote anything about them or church. It was terrible. I felt like I couldn’t say anything. I still feel that way sometimes…always afraid I will offend, when I simply want to write my heart.

    Sorry for your family hurt and stress. It can be overwhelming. I know. Sometimes I think divorce is almost worse when we’re adults than it would have been as kids.

    Prayers for you and your sweet family.
    ~FringeGirl

  18. Debra @ Msmoozysopenhouse

    Well said and I am new to the blogger world so I don’t know how you wrote before but I know that I am glad that you are “back” doing something that helps YOU! Being true to your feelings and sharing them. I wish you all the best and I look forward to really getting to know you here. 🙂

  19. Anne

    I admire your honesty.Sometimes it is hard to face things head on.Especially when it comes to family.
    xx
    Anne

  20. Kelly Luna

    Sending you love and so many {{hugs}}. You are a beautiful, brave person and your openness and strength is so inspiring.

  21. exceptionalchildrenordinarymom

    Welcome back! I was wondering what happened to you!! I enjoy your blog posts about just living life and what it brings….art, training for a 5k (that one had me laughing out loud), home coffee bar, parenting….you have a beautiful writing style. Thank you for sharing with us.

  22. karen

    Thank you for this! I had someone say mean things about my daughter and she saw it before I did and it hurt her deeply. I stopped posting personal stuff and photos of my family because of this….all because one person was awful! I miss being open, I am an open book to my family and friends outside the blogging world so it feels weird to me to be so closed up.
    This post gives me new perspective! hugs to you and your family! karen….

  23. Spyarchive

    Look at all this support! I’m a newcomer to your blog, but I have to say your audience seems like a good group of people. Beautiful post with a beautiful response – very rare on the internet these days. Well done, all! Cheers!

  24. Hillary

    Hugs to you Jeanne Oliver!!! Pain can shut you down. I am sorry that you have had to go through this, and I am sorry that someone would be mean to you. Be your strong self:) You have been very inspiring to all of us reading your blog and taking your courses.

  25. tiffini

    oh girlie…i had to stop in and read because my heart has been beyond heavy with the want to write but terrified of it. i have been miserable…well anyway this is making NO sense::)) i am taking it to a post but i am feeling the same way .. God? i don’t know but i believe with all my heart that those called to transparency…vulnerability etc need to be sharing their gift because people are dying for it. it is needful. love you..love your heart and i soooo get it….xo

  26. Kellie

    I applaud your need to be honest. I find being dishonest creates a heavy heart. Healing can only come when one is honest with others.

  27. Tonja G

    Thank you for being so brave…Your transparency and willingness to show your vulnerability makes you a “real” person and not merely the girl-with-the-gorgeous-blog-and-amazing-artistic-talent.
    Prayers for you and your family dear one.

  28. Mary

    I have never commented on your blog until now, though I have been reading it for inspiration for a while. Nothing has inspired me as much as this post has. Thank you for the personal insight.

  29. Sheila Atchley

    Jeanne, I too have had others read my blog ONLY to find reasons to fault me, and to attempt to split our church with their online rebuttals and un.re.lenting suffocating critique. It almost shut me down, too, back in ’09. One night, I realized that if I let them (really, only two people) do that to me, I would be losing a HUGE part of the person I had always been…someone very, very vocal about the doctrines of grace, very vocal about my unique relationship with the Lord.

    Yeay for you, for not letting anyone yoke you to their passive control.

  30. Becky J

    Dear Jeanne….oh how we need to be transparent and real….God’s Word tells us that the truth shall set us free…So many people wear masks and pretend that they aren’t broken, but we are all broken. As I read your words I thought of the “Velveteen Rabbit” who wanted to be real and loved….may you find peace as the Lord whispers your name and you know you have a Heavenly Father who sees your every thought and adores you!! Keep your heart, thoughts and affections set on Him….He will make your paths straight…I pray you have joy overflowing!! 🙂

  31. accordingtohislove

    Jeanne,
    My heart breaks at the pain I feel in your honesty and transparency…..it especially hurts as this could have been my story, and your pain could easily have been reflected in what my 3 daughters would be saying. But, we had a miracle in our family, and love stepped in to save us, a life-altering change of heart, and turning aside from the path of destruction in which we were headed, and I am forever grateful.
    I feel only pity for your Dad, he has destroyed his legacy, his respect in the eyes of his grandchildren and forever altered your family’s story.
    But I write to say this: do not give up on him. Pray for him, set boundaries yes, but remember, redemption is a powerful thing. No one is hopeless, and I am proof of that. Blessings to you sweet girl.

    Candace

  32. Connie

    As you know, Jeanne, my heart hurts for everyone involved. However, the one bright spot in all of this mess is I feel I have made a new friend and her name is Jeanne Oliver:) Thank you for being so honest…all of the time. I hope you can find peace. I adore your blog, your website, your art, looking at your pictures…I always walk away from the computer with a smile after looking at your posts. And, an added bonus, I feel like I get to travel more by reading your posts and looking at your pictures. My husband is so grateful to you…saves him lots of money. lol. Peace, Connie

  33. Ramona

    We all have our challenges. How we deal with those challenges is a very individual thing. We are often caught between a rock and a hard place. I often ride the fence. Seems it’s always, “Damned it you do…damned if you don’t.” Just do what sits well with you. It’s hard work. We just take one day at a time. Two quotes I really relate to: “Speak your mind….even if your voice shakes.” and “We need 3 things in life: a backbone, a wishbone and a funnybone.” I wish you Peace.

  34. Susan Dearinger

    Thank you for being transparent in all areas of your life… your faith, your art, your work… your family. It means a lot to read of someone whom I hold in high esteem being so open and honest about the heartbreak in your family. Tragic things really do happen in everyone’s lives, but on the outside looking in, things can look so picture perfect. I appreciate reading this and respect you all the more. I pray for peace in your heart and in your home and family. Blessings, Susan

  35. Linda Robison

    I “see” you – the whole wonderful YOU. THIS IS YOUR BLOG! and don’t you forget it LOL.
    Thanks for sharing this – even though I knew pretty much everything you said already – good for you to get it out and I’m thrilled your vacation was so wonderful.

  36. Nancy Peevey

    Jeanne, thank you for sharing your truth today. Thank you for listening to the Lord. Thank you for being willing to step back into the place of vulnerability, because that is the place of healing for all of us. I’m so sorry about your parents, and your family’s pain. On my blog (bebravecowgirl.blogspot.com) today, I posted a quote by Vincent Van Gogh that says, “What is done in love is done well.” You will continue to bless us all by writing from your heart. Love & Blessings to you my new friend,
    Nancy

  37. Lynda Qunell

    Whether quiet or bold, Spirit of one’s Truth is your privilege to share or not. No one has the right to barge into those thoughts and writings with threats of any kind. You are your own truth with all the emotions that come with it. So please continue to embrace in sharing with us all the grace and faith of your life, family and talents. And to those two personal naysayers shame on you, look unto thyself before being so judgmental and hateful. Only in their dreams could they be as beautiful person as you are

  38. Pam

    Jeanne thanks so much for this post! When I first started reading your blog – I always loved the FUNNY, Hilarious, and touching stories that you wrote – you had a great mix of you and your love for creating. I have to be REAL here and say – I remember when you talked about your parents break up, but it never occurred to me that THAT might be why you stopped being so personal – the reason I loved you in the first place. I have to admit I told a good friend of yours about a year and a half ago that I really liked your blog and it was what inspired me to start, but I thought you had just become obsessed with the business side of things and had lost touch….Again – I am being honest….NOW – seeing the real reason why you had backed off sharing your personal life – it reminds me of a phrase I see a lot and love “Everyone you meet is going through something – even if it doesn’t show” Thanks for opening up and reminding ME that , I too need to step back before I make judgement….You are indeed a BRAVE GIRL…..and to those two – if you are reading – you need to LET GO and move on…what good does obsessing over what other people are doing do for anyone involved? If you truly wanted to move on then do it and do so in peace….LOVE YOU JEANNE – thanks for sharing!

  39. Kelly Orr

    “I can do all things through Christ, Who strengthens me,” is the Scripture brought to my mind for you this morning, Jeanne. It is such a blessing to others (me!) to read how God is strengthening you in one of your trials. Because we all have trials, don’t we, and when God gives comfort and encouragement to many through the words of one, it is a wonderful thing. It makes me look through your words back to Him.

  40. Jenn A

    I came here from MMS blog, but I love this post and I’m excited to “get to know you.”

  41. Debbie w

    I am not a blogger but I am a blog reader. My blog list is endless….really! From personal experience, i know your pain and the truly sad thing is TOO many families experience the feelings you and yours have had to deal with these days. Stay strong.

  42. Lynne

    Dear Jeanne,
    You heal more hearts than you know.
    Please let those healed…help you heal.
    ~Lynne
    w/L
    {a student, a follower, and far off friend}

  43. Kristina

    You make me want to sing “Brave” —- say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out. . .

  44. a

    Flaunt your life, your talent, your beautiful children and the life of integrity you have! Flaunt your Love for God and the wonderful marriage you have created with your husband! Flaunt your blog! You bring so much joy to so many people Jeanne…
    This is everything your father and his secretary will NEVER have as their world is built on lies and deceit and they are two very flawed people for the behavior they have demonstrated toward you. Do not let them take any more from you than they already have…

  45. Suzen

    Thank you for this. I knew I was missing something and I recalled commenting that I wished you would get back to more personal things a l-o-n-g time ago. It’s really fun and inspiring to read the personal posts you write. I still remember the one with your little Benjamin when he had that uh accident. Probably he wishes we would forget. I heard something today on the radio. The comment was to a woman fighting with her ex. The person said, “your ex is a beautiful child of God, cleverly disguised as an idiot.” She went on to say that people are in our lives for our learning. It reminded me of going through some really crazy stuff with my husband of 15 years. I could say that he was this or that. But I will say this: I learned from being with him. I learned patience and forgiveness, humility and self respect, how to set boundaries and how to let go and stop trying to run things. I learned these things through painful situations. I’m sorry that people are so foolish. You certainly don’t need to set yourself up for legal redress by talking in a blog. I’m happy to hear your kids fight with each other, that’s enough reality for me. This situation with your father is a test of faith for sure. You know, we go away and we come back; it’s how life is. We do the best we can and we trip and fall. People aren’t going to live the way we think they should and giving up that idea, hard as it is, is freedom. God loves us all–ALL. Take care, Jeanne, we’re with you!

  46. Leslie

    Good Morning Jeanne, I woke up this morning and decided to check your blog first thing. I’ve been “away” from the computer for a few days trying to make a decision — glad I was prompted back to read this one. Your writing helped me find clarity. Thank you. Your classes inspire me to reach higher as I express my gifts, and your honest expression of faith honors our God. Many people have written wise, encouraging remarks — and that’s good — but you are strong and you will find the path the Lord is lighting for you. Blessings as you make your way.

  47. JJan Richards

    Jeanne thanks for your post. Sorry you have had such a rough patch with your father. My dad lead a similar life when I was a child and I still think of all the craziness in my childhood thanks to that behavior.
    I have had to forgive him and my mom for all the fighting and angst they brought to our childhood. They
    were unhappy people. I so agree with you being real on your blog and sharing your love for the Lord,
    your family and your art and home. Just be yourself and it will be great with those of us who read your
    blog each time you post.

  48. Alexis

    I am so happy that you are at the stage in your journey where you feel empowered to speak your truth {no matter who is reading}… this takes courage and strength that is inspiring to me and everyone who reads your thoughtful words. I know your pain. I feel it when we talk and read it in your words. I pray that your heart can start to heal and I think this is a beautiful step in that direction.
    oxo

  49. Holly

    It seems such a difficult thing for us to be true to ourselves… Thanks for sharing your heart (and wonderful creativity!) with all of us! I pray you will be “strong and courageous” as you move forward through this process… 🙂

  50. Donna Joy

    sorry for the pain your family feels-time will heal but that never makes you feel better right now 🙂 There is a reason you stayed quiet-and now feel the desire to open up. your life is yours-and you only need share what you are comfortable with-when you are comfortable. thanks for making it more “real”~my friends sometimes comment that many blogs we read make it seem as though they have almost perfect lives and nothing bad happens. It’s nice when people let you know that real life happens to everyone

  51. Julie Johnson

    Oh sweet girl- tell us what is on your heart and let your voice be heard loud and clear. I am so sorry for the pain that has been caused by this little corner of the world. So sorry for the hurt your family is going through. I left my blog ironically titled “it’s the little things” over a year ago and not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. I had three people in my life checking it to learn about our family’s doings and would disagree with me and say things like “I don’t think you really want to say that on the internet.” I applaud you for being authentic and true- and aspiring people like me to be the same. Today I think I’m going to have the courage to open my blog again- thank you!

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