We have been on vacation for two weeks now and between all of our history absorbing, coffee drinking, marathon walking, children fighting or hotel hopping…I have had time to think.
I have written many times that I am a doer and this often leads to me not hearing.
A child can stand at my side and tap my shoulder until I hear but often the Lord’s voice is quiet and still.
When I take walks or make art…I hear the Lord.
When I slow down…I hear the Lord.
When I am still.
It is quiet but I hear it just the same.
Over and over on this trip I was noticing how much I miss writing my thoughts and personal life on the blog.
I had been telling myself that I had been …but I knew that was a lie.
I don’t know why I hadn’t noticed before now.
I guess I had noticed it in little things and how I would think about things to write and then not follow through.
Writing my thoughts and feelings openly has been one of my biggest joys about writing a blog.
I am open and hopefully transparent in my e-courses but I have been holding back here.
I am sorry for that.
I thought I was just being quiet in one area of my life but I now see that by not writing about one part…I was unknowingly shutting the rest down too.
Over two years ago we discovered that my father had been having a long term affair with his secretary.
Over the past two years my parents have been in the midst of a long divorce process and I have only written about the pain my family has been going through on two occasions.
Because I publicly wrote something about the pain I was feeling I have been threatened to be deposed for trial, threatened of being sued, a condemning letter sent to me, have had lies spread about me and have caused many people I love to have to bear the brunt of the words I wrote.
At times I have wished I had never written anything and other times I was so proud of myself for not just swallowing the actions and pretending they didn’t happen like so many times growing up.
It became obvious to me that two people in this world were reading my blog not because of me, my family, my home, my shop or my art…they were reading regularly to see if I would write anything else about …them.
So I stopped being open.
Funny how I can have thousands read my words that I don’t personally know and it has never made me blink twice.
Knowing that these two individuals were reading and watching felt personal.
I guess it was almost like I not only didn’t want them to know my personal feelings about them…I didn’t want them to know my personal feelings about anything.
So I stopped being vulnerable for all of you.
So tonight I want to make you a promise (and I hope you will hold me to it).
I want to shed the past two years and the pain that it has caused my family on so many levels.
I want to write freely.
I want to write boldly.
I want to write about what I find beautiful.
I want to write things that are thought provoking.
I just want to be real.
I don’t want to only be real in person, when I teach or in my online courses.
I want to be real here.
So, I hope you will accept my apology and also hold me to a higher standard.
We have been there together before and I want to find my way back.
I am tired of being quiet and if you have ever met me in person you know…I have a lot to say:-)
Thanks for listening.
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