Proof of Life
Journal Entry No. 10
Welcome to the Proof of Life journal entry series.
Writing more in general, and specifically with you, is something I hope to continue throughout the year.
Like many of you, life has become clearer over the past year and there are many things I have dropped along the way that I deeply desire to pick back up. In turn, there are things I never want to pick up again.
From the very beginning, I have always felt like we are on this journey together and I can’t wait to hear what proof of life will come to mean to you.
The Comparison Game | Part One
18 ½ years ago we moved from Ft Collins, CO to Castle Rock, CO. They are about 90 miles away from each other. At the time my husband had been driving about 90 miles each way to his job for two years so that our family could live in Ft. Collins. It had been the reason we had moved from Washington DC and it was the town I had lived in after college. It was a town for families even though it also had the energy of being a college town, hiking was all around us, bike lanes for miles, tree lined streets with historic homes and an incredible old town.
Jack was two and Maddy was soon to be born and we knew something had to change. Kelly was spending 3-4 hours driving each day, and as much as we loved that town we loved our family more. When Maddy was about 6 months old we made the move to Castle Rock. We chose the town based upon proximity to Kelly’s office and we knew no one.
I think I cried every day for the next two years and I am not exaggerating. As a stay-at-home mom I was leaving the support of other moms, friends and everything that was familiar. We had built a new home so there was not one big tree for blocks. From the library window of this new home I could see the neighborhood park and if I saw another mom with kids there, we would quickly get the stroller, pack up and hope that this would be the day we would make friends. It was a lonely time. Kelly was traveling more and everything that I knew was gone. To be honest I felt sorry for myself a lot and it was hard to see the good in front of me.
What made it worse was that I was not letting go of the other town. When our floors had to be redone because of a manufacturer mistake I took the kids and we stayed a week in Ft. Collins and hung out with friends. I would take day trips with the kids to go to the park and just see the old gang. As I was there I would compare this town to my new town and all I could see was everything that the new town wasn’t. I would then cry all the way home. I feel a little foolish telling you all of this but it is true.
The truth also was that nothing was going to change until I changed my heart and my perspective. I knew we had made this decision for all of the right reasons but it was hard. I was lonely. I was starting over. I didn’t know where my place was. I had two little ones with no outside support. As long as I was comparing this new home to our old home…I was going to be stuck. Until I laid that town down in my mind and heart I wouldn’t be able to see what was good right in front of me.
Roots take time and they take action. I had to show up through ACTION to have a glimmer of hope that this new town had a beautiful future for us. This was a hard sell to even myself because of how much I had loved our life in the past. So, action for me looked like finding a local church, connecting with other mom’s through book clubs and homeschool groups and putting myself out there in our neighborhood. I am an introvert and these things do not come easily for me but they were necessary if I wanted to see what this town had for our family and me. It also meant not comparing the towns and not spending as much time traveling to our old life. Each time I did this I was prolonging connecting and creating roots where I currently was planted.
What I am about to share, I have no idea if they would have come to pass if we had stayed in that same town. I have no way of knowing where life would have led me, but what happened DID happen in THIS TOWN. Everything good that has happened to me as an adult (outside of my marriage and children) started because of relationships in THIS town. This town that I didn’t really want. This town that I kept comparing to another.
Read Part Two HERE