Proof of Life | Journal Entry No. 13

Welcome to the Proof of Life journal entry series.

Writing more in general, and specifically with you, is something I hope to continue.

Like many of you, life has become clearer over the past few years and there are many things I have dropped along the way that I deeply desire to pick back up. In turn, there are things I never want to pick up again.

From the very beginning, I have always felt like we are on this journey together and I can’t wait to hear what proof of life will come to mean to you.

 

 

Sometimes I have these thoughts running around my heart and head and I am not sure how to articulate them well. Will I make sense? Is anyone else feeling the same way? Does anyone else struggle too?

 

How do I hold beautiful things loosely in this time? How do I make plans and in the same breath know I might not get to do them? How do I dream up new ideas knowing that the timing may look different than in the past? How do I reinvent where I may have previously found inspiration and beauty?

 

I find that my answer in each is HOPE. I continue to plan knowing it may not happen. Don’t think that is easy though. What are plans without a guarantee of them happening? But in the past were there any real guarantees either? The hope is how I continue to LIVE. If I stop dreaming, planning, finding beauty…am I living? I continue to dream with the hope that the dreams will come to pass.

 

Last fall I put money down on a beautiful trip. I had hope it would happen. I have since then believed from one day to the next that I am going, then not going. To be honest with you I still don’t know and it is scheduled for this coming May.

 

Others attending the workshop were getting their flights, but not me. I felt like I still didn’t know if it was happening or not. With the push of my best friend’s husband I bought my flight and you know what happened? Hope. I then booked my hotel that I will stay in by myself before the workshop happens so I can make art, hike, and kayak. Hope. I started to plan what I would do those extra days, what I would pack and the hikes I would go on. Hope.

 

The host of the workshop then sent out an email sharing about a really special extra event we could do and when I saw it I cried. It was so special and beautiful and in a moment I realized again that I was hungry for beauty and hope.

 

I can 100% tell you right now that I don’t know if I will get to go and if everything will happen with the event, but I have hope. I have to. I want to plan, dream, put money down, with the beautiful expectancy that good things are coming. And what if it doesn’t? I will plan something else and continue to hope because I want to live.

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Comments

  1. Kim

    Thank you for this beautiful post. I needed to hear these things. I have always struggled with planning. I am hoping what I have read here with encourage me, as it has inspire me, to hope and plan for a future of my choosing.
    With Gratitude.

  2. Sharon DeAlexandris

    I want to put this in MY own journal because it IS MY story too. The same timidity about articulating- will it make sense-.because I draw, paint, sew, am seeker of beauty and am passionately curious . There the talents end. Everything else takes more courage. This is expressed honestly and authentically

  3. Liz Curtin

    Such a beautiful post! Your HOPE gave me HOPE. I cried at the end praying you will get to go on what sounds like the trip of a lifetime.
    My late husband got his Irish citizenship and passport but never made it to Ireland. My HOPE is that I can go there for him and visit the place of his ancestors. My HOPE is that my RA allows me to do that. My HOPE is that I get over my fear of flying enough to let myself be free. My HOPE is that I deserve this more than anything 🧡

  4. Nancy Watkins

    Beautiful post. HOpe is all that keeps me going though the dark days. Planning as though there will be better days tomorrow. Things are looking up now and Spring will come.

  5. Ginger W

    Jeanne, such a beautiful post. My husband and I always start planning our next trip (and it could be just a weekend getaway close by) as soon as we complete the one we are on so that we have something to look forward to. And sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. But its the looking forward, the HOPE, that propels me towards it.

    Fingers crossed your trip is a GO in May! And will you take me with you? : )

  6. Maureen Eaton

    Hope….beautiful expectancy….good things are coming….we are, indeed, hungry for beauty and hope.
    Such a lovely reflection! Thank you!

  7. Jill Ruskamp

    Because my hope is ultimately in Jesus, I have found that I can use the hope of earthly things as an offering. Especially when the hope isn’t realized, then I have a suffering/sadness to offer also. That may sound sad and hopeless, but it’s just the opposite. (Of course, it doesn’t always come easy!)

  8. Lisa Moreland

    This perspective is applicable to many circumstances and immensely encouraging. It’s expansive nature focuses on the freeing mindset of possibilities. Such a framework is also an enormous shift and challenge for individuals who inherited generational paradigms of scarcity and caution. To move beyond limiting paradigms requires so much courage and support. By generously sharing this experience you offer many a new way forward, an open mindset, and a helpful road map. 💙

  9. Cate Tuten

    Jeanne, you absolutely spoke my heart and words! I am in the same place. Everyday I look and dream about the two events I so so so want to participate in! But, I don’t know. I keep hoping and praying for direction and for a way to help make it happen. I am so hungry for the beauty and growth these two events will bring I think I will burst. But I have to respect timing and money. As a Christian I can long for these things, but as a Christian I am reminded the true longing of my soul is for Christ and I can trust his timing. And I can remember that He is hope and that He tells us to never give up on hope. Thank you for reminding us of this and for sharing this truth so beautifully! Cate

  10. Marlene Stephenson

    We all need something to look forward to, life would be dull if not and Jesus expects us to have a happy life and hope. Thank you it was a wonderful post.

  11. Cindy Wahlstrom

    Traveling is such a joyful experience. I have never traveled abroad. So many places I have wished to see. My youngest daughter has traveled extensively and I am so happy she and her family have seen so many wonderful places. I hope your trip takes place. Smiles and good wishes!

  12. Deb Lewis

    I’ve discovered the anticipation and joy of planning can equal the trip/event itself…. I often start planning my next Christmas dinner in January! Thank you for sharing your thoughts as they deeply resonate in my own heart❤️

  13. Rennie

    To Liz Curtin, if I may,
    Please Google Captain Tom Bunn and his SOAR program for persons deeply afraid of flying. He is a pilot turned therapist for the purpose of developing a program to help truly frightened fliers. I was petrified and his program has helped me achieve close to 100% improvement, and so much of his program is FREE. You can buy materials but so much is available online, including weekly group sessions, a free individual session, a vast archive and even a message board where people can message each other before and after flights. Good luck, hope to you Jeanne!

  14. Joanie

    Your words and thoughts are so clear to me. I have always had hope in one thing or another, it’s what gets you through the difficult and happy times! This last year I have had many hopes after being diagnosed with breast cancer, hope that the Lord would heal me, get me through the treatments, hope to feel better to get to the hope of traveling and enjoying creation and all that entails. Hope to be more creative.
    My hope has gotten me through to the next part of my story, cancer free now and looking forward to new days.
    Thank you for your words, they always resonate with me in all the years I have followed you.❤️

  15. Frances Malone

    Thank you. On this dreary day and the world news your HOPE is a great beacon. Lighting candles for HOPE and PEACE

  16. DEBBIE MACINTOSH

    I chose hope as my word of the year.I am trying to use my rughooking skills to center myself,to plan for future creative efforts,and to find a balance in my life in spite of severe health issues.This is my journey.

  17. beth meagher

    So true! I registered for Tara Royer Steele’s retreat with one of my best friends and WE DROVE! When we registered, I knew I needed to be there, but had no idea about the state of things. As a result, we had hours and hours to talk, to be silent; stopped at a cracklin stand in Louisiana for cracklin, boudin balls and crawfish pie!! We saw some great stuff and laughed. We looked for the ‘world’s biggest ball of string’…[always up for stopping to look at something crazy and fun.]

  18. Theresa Boedeker

    Beautiful. Sometimes we are afraid to hope, especially when hopes get dashed. But there are no fun things to look forward to, no dreams to start planning for unless we take a step and start planning and hoping. And when we do they catapult us forward and bring rainbows into our days.

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