Welcome to the Proof of Life journal entry series.
Writing more in general, and specifically with you, is something I hope to continue.
Like many of you, life has become clearer over the past few years and there are many things I have dropped along the way that I deeply desire to pick back up. In turn, there are things I never want to pick up again.
From the very beginning, I have always felt like we are on this journey together and I can’t wait to hear what proof of life will come to mean to you.
Sometimes I have these thoughts running around my heart and head and I am not sure how to articulate them well. Will I make sense? Is anyone else feeling the same way? Does anyone else struggle too?
How do I hold beautiful things loosely in this time? How do I make plans and in the same breath know I might not get to do them? How do I dream up new ideas knowing that the timing may look different than in the past? How do I reinvent where I may have previously found inspiration and beauty?
I find that my answer in each is HOPE. I continue to plan knowing it may not happen. Don’t think that is easy though. What are plans without a guarantee of them happening? But in the past were there any real guarantees either? The hope is how I continue to LIVE. If I stop dreaming, planning, finding beauty…am I living? I continue to dream with the hope that the dreams will come to pass.
Last fall I put money down on a beautiful trip. I had hope it would happen. I have since then believed from one day to the next that I am going, then not going. To be honest with you I still don’t know and it is scheduled for this coming May.
Others attending the workshop were getting their flights, but not me. I felt like I still didn’t know if it was happening or not. With the push of my best friend’s husband I bought my flight and you know what happened? Hope. I then booked my hotel that I will stay in by myself before the workshop happens so I can make art, hike, and kayak. Hope. I started to plan what I would do those extra days, what I would pack and the hikes I would go on. Hope.
The host of the workshop then sent out an email sharing about a really special extra event we could do and when I saw it I cried. It was so special and beautiful and in a moment I realized again that I was hungry for beauty and hope.
I can 100% tell you right now that I don’t know if I will get to go and if everything will happen with the event, but I have hope. I have to. I want to plan, dream, put money down, with the beautiful expectancy that good things are coming. And what if it doesn’t? I will plan something else and continue to hope because I want to live.