Sometimes in the pain {you find your most tender heart}

I don’t usually write about my parent’s divorce.

Coming home does that to me.

Far away you don’t see the day to day pain.

You don’t see the details.

You don’t feel the details.

It is easier where I stand back in Colorado.

Far, far away from where the hurt is.  But I guess it can follow me there too.

One of my closest friends has said that a divorce (especially a divorce caused by an affair) is a death without a funeral.

Death without a funeral.

A marriage dies.

A family breaks apart.

No one outside the immediate family knows what to do.

If one of my parents had died there would have been calls, meals and offered help.

At least for a while.

A divorce leaves an awkward silence.

In noticing the awkward silence from friends and family I started to see other’s pain more clearly.

I started to think of my parent’s friends that had been divorced, friends with sick children or parents, friends dealing with disease, depression or financial problems.

Pain.

It can be all around us but we don’t really see it.

Have you ever heard of something and you feel really bad for that person?

You promise to pray.

You mean to.

You really do.

You think about them for a few days and then life takes over and you forget.

No calls, no meals, no prayers, no outreach. At all.

On the other side of things I know my father thinks no one cares what he has done.

People put on their smiles to his face and then talk after he walks away.

He takes their silence as acceptance.

Their silence really means that they don’t know what to say.

They don’t approve.

They don’t give their acceptance.

They don’t know what to do so they do nothing.

What if we got past the awkward silence?

What if we reached out even when we don’t know what to say?

What if we didn’t put on a fake smile when things really aren’t ok?

What if we saw….really saw someone’s pain?

I am sorry to my friends and family when I missed your pain.

I promise you.

I have my eyes open and I don’t want to ever close them again.

{It has been a year since my mom found out about my father’s affair and they have been separated.  They still are going through divorce proceedings}

Share this Post

Comments

  1. lulu

    This is something I have been working on for last decade or so…….and what I have found out is that sometimes folks don’t want you to address the pain. And what I know for sure is that I can not, not address the pain. It makes me feel so depressed and confused that I eventually choose to distance myself from them. I want a life of carefully chosen intent and honest true relationships. But it is a work in progress. Thank you so much for your honest thoughtful writing.

    1. Kim

      you said that you are not ashamed of how your dealt with him. Believe me, YOU have nothing to be ashamed about. YOU did nothing wrong. We are always telling our children that actions have consequences. Well, was it worth it to him to loose his daughter? His gorgeous grandchildren? That to me is the definition of selfishness. Don’t blame the messenger as the saying goes.

  2. Sherry

    I’ve lived through this Jeanne…many years ago. I was 15 and it changed my world…as it changed my mother’s and my sister’s. We carried on and there was hurt and pain and there was alienation. There were many problems and issues…in this case, the affair simply brought to a close what needed to be closed years before. But there is no doubt…it is like a death without a funeral. Your friend is very wise. And I send you much love.

    1. jeanne Author

      Thank you. In our case also this should have happened a long time ago. Everything came out into the light. Don’t you love the light? Darkness can’t live there:-)

      1. Sherry

        I do love the light…I too cannot live in the dark, and while there are many “what ifs” or “whys” surrounding the break up of a marriage, it is also the break up of a family unit and it has a ripple down effect. I’m now in my 50s and I still look back on that time and I see things more clearly than I did when it happened. I have more understanding and more knowledge to work with but I also have had time away from it to put it into perspective. Your loss is still fresh and new. It takes time. Remember to give yourself that. xo

  3. Julie M ~ The Little Red Shop

    God bless you, your mama, and your beautiful family, Jeanne. I’ve lost my daddy to Heaven…for now…but my very best friend, a mother of 4 with another on the way, whose family has been family to mine for decades, has lost her dad to unfaithfulness and arrogance. He gave up his wife, 3 daughters, one just a teenager at the time, and 8 amazing grandchildren…for an old flame. Yuck. I haven’t been very good about blog reading for some time now, but have prayed over the last year, since you first mentioned someone close to you going through a difficult time. I didn’t know it was your mama. I’m so sorry and pray for comfort for you all as you live each day for the Lord and try to wrap your minds around a situation no one should ever have to deal with. One day at a time… In Him, Julie M.

  4. Lee W

    Oh so true. My first husband cheated on me, and I felt like I was dying for such a long time. Death of my dreams, my vows, my self-esteem. It was agony, feeling unsure, insecure, lost, and drowning. There were days all I did was cry. In all honesty, there were days and nights that I felt so burdened, I would pray to God to lift the weight for just a bit, so I could breathe again. He always did. I would feel lighter, until I had the strength to pick myself up, dust myself off, and try to deal with the issues and pain again. There was no quick fix. God didn’t do it for me, but He gave me the strength to do it myself. And I did. I DID. You can, and your mom can too. I am sorry for your heart break. Just remember, it isn’t about you, or your mom, it’s about your dad (just like it was about my ex, not me). You all are hurting right now, but in time, it is his job to fix it. You have to live yor life as your see fit. If you have to say things, say them.

    Years later, I have the love on my life as my husband, and have been blessed with two children. I wish blessings for your mom, and healing for you. Big hugs.

    1. jeanne Author

      Thank you for sharing your heart. I am a doer and a talker so this situation with the man my dad is makes it hard. I have learned to set boundaries and my mom is figuring out how to move on. She is a lot stronger than she knew:-)

  5. liz

    Jeanne – I can’t even begin to tell you how much I LOVED this post . . . soooo many, many emotions here!!! I actually have no words to choose from that I can mention here – only emotions and tears . . . that is all. Very emotional issue here and you wrote about it with such intimacy . . . much more than is ever recognized by most. My heart and prayers are with you . . . and with your mother also!! I unfortunately have known this silence all too well. xoxo – liz

  6. lulu and family

    “i don’t ever want to close them again,” too, jeanne. thanks for touching on this real and painful topic. no one should face such pain alone. so thankful for dear friends and family that do know, notice, listen, share, and remember with you–and then god provides care in surprising ways, too. EVERYTHING you shared, jeanne, was spot on, and sadly, i can relate with your described inaction all too well, also. “what if we got past the awkward silence? what if we reached out even when we don’t know what to say [or do]?” love you.

    1. jeanne Author

      I love you! I love that the Lord is showing us ways to grow in the midst of hurt. Wouldn’t it be a shame to walk through this and not grow!

  7. Jenn

    Thanks for sharing your honesty! I have three different best friends going through this with children and I have really tried to be there for them. I am married to my soul mate and can’t have children and so I have spent time with my friends and I have tried to help by bringing meals over when they have busy work days. All three of them have had to find jobs because they stayed home with their children. While they found jobs I would watch the younger children and for my closest friend I even spent some nights with her because she was not able to sleep in a room on her own. It is like a death, it hurts, but for some it is even harder because it attacks self esteem. I have learned since then how to get scholarships,grants,and financial aid for day care for divorced women. It is a shame that anyone has to go through this and for me I just talk about how wonderful each one of them are and what wonderful children they are raising. I always wish I could help more, but I have found it is just important to love them and keep in touch.

  8. jamie

    This is such a hard subject, Divorce is never easy only hurtful and hard. I can’t imagine what you must be going through as an adult child of parents divorcing because of an affair. From my experience with my own parents, who I haven’t spoken with in almost 2 years, for what reason, Im not too sure, Forgiveness is what we have to get too. I think once you process everything that has happened and you go through all the emotions and feeling that come along with all of it, in the end to Forgive is the answer to moving forward. We are all human, we make mistakes, some big some small but we all do it. I know for me, I haven’t gotten to the Forgiveness yet, Im trying and as time goes by, it gets easier. I guess, no matter what they have done or how they have behaved, they are our Parents, we can’t trade them in or send them back! Life sure isn’t easy, lessons and love sometimes can be the hardest things to get through. Beautiful Post to share, xo

    1. jeanne Author

      So sorry for what has been going on in your own family. I agree about forgiveness. I have forgiven him many other times in my life and I know that this time I will forgive again. It is a process. Even in the forgiveness there are some people that you forgive for your own sake and then don’t have a relationship with because of where their heart is. I know we will both find forgiveness.

  9. paige

    sweet friend, what a powerful raw post
    i apprecite & respect your transparency. your opening of the doors of your heart.
    silence can so often times be interpreted as the opposite of what it’s meant cant it?
    i am so sorry that your family bond was broken and that your mama is having to deal with unbearable heartache. death without a funeral. so true.
    i can imagine she’s feeling peace that surpasses understanding. praying for new mercies to fill her each morning…and you too my friend

    much love…

    1. jeanne Author

      Thank you sweet friend. I will pass this along to her. When I am so far away I forget about her day to day pain. I haven’t lived at home for over 20 years and my dad has never had much contact with us. We can forget to remember what it is like to have your life changed so drastically.

  10. Ginger

    I hate that this is happening to your whole family… I really feel sad for the way it happened and I said the very thing about it feeling like a death without a funeral. I hate that your family is broken. I pray for strength and healing for you all.

  11. Danielle (elleinadspir)

    Beautiful post friend. It makes me want to come sprinting to your house with ice cream and wine for hours and hours if venting, talking, sharing, crying and laughing. Thank you for not being silent here…for sharing here. That is special and will help othes.

    1. jeanne Author

      Thank you. I hope the post will help others too. Others in pain and others that see pain.

  12. Victoria

    Thank you.
    I have a son with significant disabilities. Our friends fell away after the first year because we were supposed to “get over it” by then. He is now 22 and I spent all last week dealing with his medical needs and the issues with staffing his house. We has become I.
    My husband had an affair with one of our son’s caregivers. He has chosen not to deal with this and so has left me to deal with selling our house and caring for our son. He is in Alaska and I am in Ohio. My grown children blame me for the impending divorce. I am truly alone.
    I do not usually talk about this outside of my therapist’s office. No one asks how I am. I am accepting that this is how the world works. A lot of therapy.
    Thank you for acknowledging my pain even though you have never met me. I just took your business class and am enrolled in your summer creativity class. The experience will mean even more now that I have seen your heart. Thank you.

  13. Marilyn Johnson

    Jeanne, I was told the same thing that divorce was like a death without a funeral when my husband left me for what was one of many times in my first marriage. I was young. I had a 2 year old and was 8 months pregnant and came home to our apartment with a note on the computer. He had taken our only vehicle and left me. I was 100 miles away from my family. A nun who lived across the hall heard me whailing and crying and came over and held me and told me those words. The pain is so deep and hurts everyone involved. I hurt now for my children. I can not take the divorce out of their past.

    1. jeanne Author

      I loved that the nun came over and held you. What a gift. I know you can’t erase the divorce but forgiveness does amazing things to help us move on and move past. I know there are amazing years ahead of my new looking family. We will be glad to be on the other side:-)

  14. WendyW

    Jeanne, thanks for sharing this family post with us. Things like this affect so many lives and the hurt can remain a long time. Without faith, we cannot go through this or help others go through it. As hard as it may seem, forgiveness will enable you to move forward … be assured that the Lord will lovingly carry you and your family in His arms and help to take away your pain and heartache. With love and prayers xo

  15. Michelle

    Jean,
    It’s been decades since my family went through a similar situation. I was in my early 20’s, just figuring things out with my newborn. It was a very hard time for us. We are all so dramatic in my family, but there are plenty of “elephants” in the room. It does get easier, in fact I just spent today, Sunday with my mom and her husband now of 23 years, my dad and his little dog, and an aunt, cousin and my husband and children. My parents are in their 70’s and it was a strange and wonderful thing to see my dad push in a chair for my “step-dad”, who just had back surgery. Now everyone comes to my house, my house is a nonjudgmental and welcoming house, they house I always wanted.

    What a wonderful silver lining to profess that you will see your friends pain, and honor it.

    Love you,

    Michelle

    1. jeanne Author

      Makes me glad that I have said everything to him that I needed to. Not that I wanted to:-) but what needed to be said. Thank you.

      1. jeanne Author

        Sorry. I replied to the wrong one. Wonderful that your home is a safe place for everyone to come.

  16. Jan Richards

    I so feel for you in this difficult time. My family went through an affair from my Dad with a friend of my Mom’s when I was 9 years old. My Mom never was able to forgive him, but they stayed together and had 2 more kids after several years of epic arguments and scenes throughout my childhood. I just wish that parents would consider what their behavior does to their family before acting on an impulse. Your friend was correct about
    a death without a funeral. It is the elephant in the room for the family and their friends. My only regret about my parents problems, I never talked to my Dad about the whole thing…..I kept saying I would talk to him alone about it and never did and then
    he died suddenly at 62, so I never had a chance to ask him about the affair. May God
    watch over you and your Mom and bring some sense of all this with your Dad.

  17. gabrielle Messina

    Jeanne, what a genuine and true post. Thank you for sharing your heart with us! It’s gut wrenching to know how very often this goes on inside a marriage, inside a family. I have went through this same thing. I know the awkward silence and the thing that’s always been in the back of my mind, is that a death would have been easier on a family, than to find out that the man they called husband, father, and grandfather has never been true. When I think of the things my father has done, I literally feel sick. How can someone do this to an entire family and look them in the eyes every single day? My mother learned of my father’s unfaithfulness almost four years ago through a discovery my brother had made. The night I found out plays over in my mind like it was yesterday. It rips you apart and there’s no looking at life the same way ever again. He chose one of his many conquests over his family. I’d never wish my father bad luck, or a horrible life, but from his choices, he is living his hell here on earth… I don’t how a conquest could be worth giving up an entire family. You’re in my heart and prayers!

    1. jeanne Author

      Thank you so much my friend. Also sorry YOUR pain has gone through. I feel literally sick too time and time again when I look back at all my father has done. I do know that all his mistakes have made me a better wife and mother….I have a blueprint for everything NOT to do. I am grateful for that.

  18. Lara

    Hey, sweet girl…thinking about you a lot today. This was beautifully written..and i totally agree. I felt it when my own parents split up. It was a death…and a painful one at that which carried on for years. I have the battle scars to prove it—some 27 years later. I think it is so important to keep our eyes open to the brokenness around us, especially with divorce. It is all around us out here where I live—makes me so,so sad for all involved. Just devastating. BUT…we shall prevail and be made new. This I know first-hand to be true.

    Love you, Jeanne—
    oxox
    Lara

  19. Kip

    Just wanted to send you a hug as it’s obvious you are hurting, as is your poor mom. It pains me to hear your father thinks what he did is okay. I hope that you let him know that it was not okay. Someone needs to tell him. Not that it will change anything but I believe in being truthful rather than hiding all the grief inside. My best to you and your family.

  20. Kelly Rhea

    A friend told me once that F.E.A.R = Face Everything And Recover. Slow grief takes courage and thanks for the reminder to show up for others.

    1. jeanne Author

      So true. We are actually doing really well. I had just been thinking for a few weeks now that when you go through your own pain you see the pain of others so much clearer.

  21. Lucie Hale

    jeanne, what a tender heart you have! I am so sorry for your pain. I, too, like many others here, have lived through the separation of my parents, and the pain that followed it. it is only the grace of God that got us all through the difficulties that followed-my mom had to move away with 3-year-old me, and my 18-month brother. she also was a SAHM so had to find a job, and make adequate child care arrangements for us. it nearly cost her her life. she chose to leave the country of her (and our) birth, to come to America. it was a bold move for her 47 years ago. it literally changed the course of my life. i was raised here in the US and we all became citizens and my brother and I went to school and college and now have careers and families of our own. I never saw my father again after the age of 3. my own two kids have a completely different relationship with the love of my life, husband of 24 years. I like to think that the strength my mother learned over my life, was transferred to me and her life lessons became an integral part of my life. I owe her my life and the blessings that God has bestowed on me have come through her sacrifices. she is now resting in heaven and i can’t wait to give her a real hug someday in eternity.
    please know that your post has touched me and I will be praying for you and your mom and your family. I thank God that you are so open to His goodness and will be there for your folks in the ways that they need you to be. hugs and prayers!

  22. Kellie

    Wishing you strength as you journey through your feelings and these changes.

  23. Lana@whatsthestorymorninglory.com

    Hi Jeanne.
    Thank you for your open and honest post. I can feel your pain and sadness. Divorce is a difficult thing and something that has been on my mind for years. My husband has not had an affair that I know of, but he is an alcoholic. I have stayed in the marriage because of the kids, but they are almost all grown now. I have tried to figure out for years whether it is better for the kids sake to stay in the relationship or if I should have done something years ago. Being married to an alcoholic is a very lonely and full of worry and stress. It is also a disease you try to hide from everyone. It is like living a double life. I know your Mom will be much stronger than she thought and you guys will be alright. I can’t figure out how some men,husbands,fathers cannot see what they are doing to everyone around them, and everything they are willing to risk loosing.

    1. jeanne Author

      I know many that live with an alcoholic and that is just as hard. Thank you for sharing. I don’t understand men or women that give up their families. In my situation two selfish people have destroyed two families. 13 people including grandchildren are devastated. I know that the woman’s family is having a much harder time than mine because we are used to this behavior and they are not. Her family needs just as much prayer and love as mine.

  24. Stacey

    God, would you hold this sweet one in your hands today. Would you show her that you don’t miss any pain? That you collect each tear, that you count the very number of hairs on her head and you weep with those who weep? Hold her close, comfort her and may she sit with you in the quiet and just know that the God who sees her – will surely never fail her. Ever.

    In Jesus Name.

  25. Maija Lepore

    Very powerful post Jeanne. You have such a wonderful way of articulating your feelings. I sure do understand Death without a Funeral. Everytimes my son relapses or uses, I feel such overwhelmming grief. Since we are lucky that no one person is truly dead, we can still have hope for better, happy days ahead!
    I’m so sorry for your grief. I love you!

  26. Lisa

    Jeanne, I am so sorry you and your family must endure this. I have been there myself too, but as the mother who was cheated on. It has been a hard road for my girls. They were fairly young (8 & 12) when it all first happened and they were able to maintain a relationship with their dad originally. But, it was always on his terms, with his new girlfriend, and then wife in the picture, heavily influencing him. She is a woman with no children who apparently wanted a life without them, as my ex-husband has completely cut my two daughters from his life. I have so many mixed emotions about it all, mainly because of the hurt it has caused my girls. I am a big girl, strong now, beyond what I would have ever though I could be, so I am not angry anymore (it’s been 9 years now)over what he did to me, although I will never forget that hurt. I am angry over what he has done to our beautiful daughters, who are the light of my life.
    For your mom, I can only offer advice based on my own experiences. At the time, it was the hardest thing I had ever been through, I was deeply devastated. Over time, I began to see more clearly, and honestly, and knew that it was the only way that marriage was going to end. You see, I was not strong enough then to end it myself, and he was too weak of a man to end is properly. I allowed so much poor behavior by him and allowed myself to be treated in a way I would never allow for my own daughters. It took me awhile to see it though, and once I did, it freed me of so much.

    Now I have established a new life, and all the things I was so afraid of back then, like losing my home, making it financially, and just being lonely, I have overcome. Help your mom find something in her life she can do that will make her happy, stronger, something that is truly just for her and can empower her. I started going to a gym and working out, it made me physically healthier and stronger, but also emotionally stronger. It built a confidence in me that I needed so much after finding out my husband was having an affair. It really injures your self-esteem. I feel it is the number one worse thing a spouse can do to his/her partner.

    Most importantly, you will get through this, and so will your mom. Be there for her, she needs you. My relationship with my daughters grew much stronger once it was just the three of us. I know now that I am too good a person to be with someone who would be disrespectful like that to me and my family. What will with my girls and their relationship with their father? I don’t really know. Honestly, I don’t feel he deserves them in his life after how much he has hurt them, but I would never influence them intentionally to feel a certain way. Whatever happens, I will support them.

    Hang in there!

  27. teri

    Appreciated your honesty here, and I can certainly identify. Who hasn’t been touched by divorce, after all? My husband was unfaithful many times, and when I left him, it was on my own time, when my children were old enough to survive. He was surprised, because it was unexpected – but for me, I’d carried the pain every day.

    Interesting analogy, death and divorce. When someone dies, we know what to say, don’t we? “I’m sorry for your loss.” It’s clear, and we know how to react, and it’s done. But with divorce, there is ongoing pain. The unspoken questions – whose fault is it? Who left whom? Whose side do I stand on? What does this mean for me? Everyone is a little involved, even if it’s just to wonder.

  28. Sheila R

    Oh, how my heart aches for you and your family. Divorce is never easy… the pain and the hurt. I am a product of divorce. I was one of the lucky ones. It was done before I ever truly knew my parents as together. Withing several years they both remarried. We never saw them fight… never saw them argue…. just saw them apart. They both remarried. My mom first and then my dad. My “step” father (I still refer to him as Dad… he will always be Dad to me). He accepted my twin and me for his daughters even when my Mom and him had a daughter of their own. To this day we are “his” and our children are “his” grandchildren. He has a love that is thicker than water. My dad married my step mom when we were 5. She never truly accepted us or our children. My real dad wasn’t there he worked and had his life with his new family.

    I am now 45 years old and I thought the pain would go away. Even after my stop mom passed away several years ago, I thought it would be different that we would finally be accepted and loved as one of his children. But we still feel the differences, the hurt and the pain still continues.

    Divorce is never easy and I hope and pray that you find your own way to deal with the pain and loss. Hang in there….

  29. Vicki

    Im sorry. It hurts. I’m 33 years old and my parents have been separated for 6 years. When one parent has fallen away from the Lord it hurts. It hurts when you so badly want God to fix it, you pray so hard, but it doesn’t work. Then your memories of that parent start to get fuzzy and everything becomes questionable. I feel like I’ve lost my mom, I so understand the funeral comparison, because you mourn what once was. The good? Well the good is that I work even harder for my marriage. To glorify God, to honor my husband and to be an example to my kids. Thank you for sharing.

  30. Lisa W.

    So sorry for all the pain. Makes me sad that anyone has to go through this. Many years ago one of my dear friends went through this. Three little girls and a husband that was cheating. The shock and pain was so deep myself and the other girlfreinds litterally felt like it was us going through it. The pain was unbarable. It has been almost 15 or so years ago. She has re-married, has two more children:) and all is good. The one gal commented best, it hurts EVERYONE involved but it really is them. I do hope someday your father speaks again…but you did the RIGHT thing. Giving your heart, and speaking outloud of your feelings is such the right thing to do. He has allot of guilt, and may realize that someday and come around, and he may not:(
    I am new to your blog, and I absolutely love it!!! I wish I could meet you someday, your kindness, your creativity is wonderful and right up my alley. I just gave my neice the cuff I bought from your shop for her birthday today:) She LOVED it. Thank you! And I truly wish the best for your Mom and your family!!!

  31. Maery Rose

    It’s been three years since my divorce — since he announced he had found his soulmate. I still haven’t completely gotten over the feeling of betrayal, the loss of basic trust in people, the loss of belief in myself. To go through a divorce is awful enough but an affair is a coward’s way of leaving. And being left for a woman 12 years younger than me really hit the “feeling so old” nerve. How do the women who date married men justify it, especially when they know the wife? Anyway, the upside is that I have finally reached a place where I realize I am happier now and doing things that I never would have gotten to do if I was still with him.

    But the real message you gave to me was to not pull away from others in pain but to do what we promised — remember our loved ones in our prayers and be there to listen and respond, no matter how awkward it feels.

  32. LolaGirl

    Death without a funeral. Endings without closure. Affection misplaced. So many actions, words, and deeds that invite whispers, blankets to hide under and awkward silences. How do you take sides when God said he created ONE being from the two of you. ‘and he shall leave his father and mother and cleave..’ Cleave means to weld together with such strength that it cannot be broken.
    Just days from my one year un-iversary. The date of division from one who knows well what to weld with an unbreakable bead of steel means.
    Keep praying even when the right moment has passed. We all have to survive past the right moment (the day of the decree, the day of submitting papers or sitting in front of a judge, the first anniversary or holiday, even the first Tuesday in May–sometimes those plain days are the worst.It is those unplanned prayers of our dear friends that keep us sipping breath and life and light in the waves of each day.
    Know prayers are coming your way as well.

  33. Mikal

    Sending you a big hug… this kind of pain takes time to heal. It truly is a mourning, and everyone mourns in their own way, and their own pace. I will be praying for you all. Especially your mom… betrayal is a pain all in itself.

  34. Charlene

    OUCH! But you really hit the nail on the head. We don’t see the pain around us. Do you think we choose to not see it because we don’t want to feel it???? There is so many different types. Sending healing hugs to you. No matter how old you are it is difficult.

    My situation was so different… My mother is so cruel & verbally abusive my poor Daddy just became a shell of a person, smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day & the stress, smoking, high blood pressure…he left us in February of 2005. I feel like she killed him. Now she is happy as a clam doing what she wants & he is gone(why are the sweet kind souls the ones to go?). Same thing… PAIN just different. Thanks for having the courage to bring up such a sore subject to have us all think about this. When I get back next week I’m signing up for your new class. Can’t wait. HUGS!
    Charlene

  35. Lori

    Sometimes when we step away and then step back in we can feel the pain as if it was fresh. We can be there and help and support but then we go back home, to routines to our lives. It is something that we do not intentionally do, it just happens. This is such a raw honest post Jeanne ~ sending you and your entire family hugs but especially your Mom.

  36. Sheila Atchley

    Hi Jeanne-Jeanne! 🙂 (That is what I call you, when I talk about you to my now-grown twin daughters…they know I’ve been doing an online small business course with “Jeanne-Jeanne”…and “Jeanne-Jeanne says THIS about Etsy” and “Jeanne-Jeanne recommends this printer” and “This is my Jeanne-Jeanne dress…”)

    ANNNNYHOO. Still working on fabricating my Jeanne-Jeanne action figure doll. 😉

    This whole Problem of Pain. What a severe mercy pain is. It so drives us to the cross! All my married life, up till about 3 years ago, I was stuck in this performance-mode-Christianity. I’m a preacher’s wife, and thought I understood grace, but had ACTUALLY been doing quite well in my own strength. I’m only sorry it took me so long…sorry I was so strong, in my own strength.

    Then I encountered pain. My oldest son left home in rebellion, then my youngest son went with him, he at only 17 years old. At that point, I ran smack-dab into my own inadequacies. I was an Epic Home Schooling Failure. The best thing the Preacher and I ever did was stand our ground with our sons and tell them that what they did was wrong. We didn’t hide it, gloss over it, or pretend with anyone.

    It broke my heart in a thousand tiny pieces, and my whole sense of well being was shaken.

    Ah, but. “But God!”

    Both boys are restored to us. Our youngest came home, only a few months after he left. He still has his moments, but he’ll make it. Our oldest is making us proud. However, my well being doesn’t come from my children’s or my own or anyone else’s performance anymore, good or bad! “In Christ Alone” is my life’s lesson.

    Long story short, I took my sense of well being BACK, out of the hands of teenage boys, and placed it in the hands of “Christ Alone”. I took my sense of purpose BACK from “home education” and placed it “In Christ Alone”. Good for you, for recovering your sense of well being BACK from an unfaithful father.

    Praying for your mother…

    Sheila

  37. Mrs. Dunbar

    So raw and so so true. Thank you for sharing, thank you for your honesty. I hope you all find peace somewhere in the midst of this. We have had a very similar situation occur in our family and end in divorce and so so much silence. Again, thank you.

  38. Pingback: Friday Links | Elleinad Spir

  39. Kim from 3 peanuts

    I am so sorry for all the pain. Yours, your Mom’s and everyone else in your family. My Dad had an affair as well (I was about 12) and the pain is still there 30 years later. I even ended up getting a Ph.D in marriage and family communication to try to help others who go through this.

    Unfortunately, I do not have a relationship with my Dad at all now nor do my kids. I think that is sad. He married the woman. I have forgiven everyone but I did often voice my disapproval in the early years as even as I kid…I knew it was WRONG. I WILL pray for you. It is hard.

    Hugs,
    Kim

  40. Just Judy

    Dearest Jeanne…I have not met you, and you have not met me. But we have people in common, which is in this case a good thing. Your writing is an art that has indeed helped so many people feel they are not alone. Deep prayers are lifted up for those with the need to share, for those with wisdom who came to you through your blog and for those who feel they have nowhere to turn. Through our faith humans are given so many guidelines to live by. God has entrusted us with the ability to choose…to follow true north with our moral compass. Adultery and infidelity, as well as the lying that goes hand-in-hand with them, are the sins that rip through the hearts of family and friends. How can this be the direction to follow, knowing full well how much pain will be the result? Where is the strength to sacrifice the temptation that will inevitably lead to such desperation and destruction in the hearts of so many. The hollow excuse “I deserve to be happy” is really that disgusting sense of entitlement, greed and the worst kind of selfishness. Buckets of tears have been shed from the ones who were the loves of her life…some of the best human beings I have ever known. There is nothing private about this. The choice made is out there, as public as can be. No, I have never met you, Jeanne. But I am proud that you have shared this difficult personal tragedy that has been such a huge part of your life as his daughter. Thank you so much.

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.