We had packed up our bags and eaten our breakfast.

We were almost ready to head back to Colorado from Utah.

We had spent the past three days up in the mountains skiing as a family. This was the first time we had all skied together as a family (he has taken each of the children up separately) and nothing could have made Kelly happier.

As we were getting up from breakfast Kelly said, “Oh, no! I left my license up in the mountains when I rented Benjamin’s helmet.”

We already were getting such a late start and the thought of another hour and a half driving up the mountain and down again didn’t sound appealing.

Kelly has an upcoming trip and he had to have his license to rent a car….so we began the trek up the mountain.

Unfortunatley, the weather began to take a turn for the worse as we were driving up the canyon.

When I was in college I was driving with a friend. It was dark out and raining. Before we knew it infront of us, in the middle of the road, was a huge piece of equipment that the town was using to repair the road. The equipment was larger then a Suburban. There were no flashing lights or  signs to warn us of the danger right in front of us. My friend slammed on the brakes and we crashed.  The car was totaled.

Neither of us were wearing our seatbelts. My knee dented the metal glove compartment all the way in and my head hit the windshield and bowed out the glass.

We were taken to the hospital and released.

To this day I have a horrible time being in the passenger seat and driving in any weather like rain or snow does a number on me. What is really crazy to know now is that even though the hospital easily released me I had a brain injury that has triggered all of my a-typical migraines, loss of vision etc. and my spine has taken years to try to correct and it is now as good as it will ever be. My neck bones actually slightly bends the wrong direction.

So, we are driving up the canyon and the weather has turned ugly. I am asking Kelly to drive slowly and to be careful. The higher we go up the harder it is to see and the worse the roads are.

Once we get to the ski resort Kelly runs in to get his license and the poles he left the day before. As the children and I are waiting for Kelly to return I ask the kids if they will pray with me for our drive down the canyon.

I pray all the “right” things. I pray scripture over my family and others around us. I pray for protection.

As we head down the mountain the snow is getting thick on the roads and our visibility is low. The canyon roads are narrow and even the curves with huge drop offs have no garderail or anything to stop a car that hits ice.

I was scared. Truly scared!

Kelly was going slow but not slow enough for my fear. The roads were steep and the drops were into water below.

At one point I can feel our car slidding.

I am tense and scared from head to toe.

Kelly stays calm out of necessity and tries to safely maneuver us down the mountain.

As we are about to take a curve our car hits ice. We start to slide all over the road and Kelly tries to gain control over our Jeep. There is a car behind us now also losing control.

I can’t keep my tears in anymore. After Kelly gains control of the car I cry and my hands are shaking.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I hate what fear does to the body.

From the backseat I hear, “Mom, why do you pray for protection if you don’t even trust that the Lord will watch over us? Don’t you even believe what you pray? “

I felt like it was such a huge judgment on my heart.  Jack’s words stung. But he was right. I felt like the Lord had put those words on my son’s lips….just for me

I am human and fear is real. But it is amazing what power I can give to fear. I can forget whose hands I am in.

What was hard to explain to him is that as an adult I carry a lifetime of stories…often other people’s stories and pain that surfaces at times like this.

I pray for protection and I try to teach my children to rely on the Lord but I was acting like a person who doesn’t believe the words that come out of her mouth. The truth is I do believe them……I just forget sometimes.

Maybe my prayers need to also be about my heart. About peace. About the peace that passes all understanding….because sometimes THAT is what I really need.